I can’t stand it, it’s catching up with me. I can’t breathe. The panic is running in my blood and I don’t know what to do with my hands. I want to punch and to cut and I don’t even care anymore. I don’t care who knows. I just want to get away from all of this. What did I ever, ever do wrong? What did I do to make you not love me? What did I do for you to not care, at all? I’ve tried all my life to please you and still I’m doing everything wrong and I don’t deserve anything. I’m already having a hard time and I can’t believe that you don’t see it. You don’t care enough to see what’s going on and that explains everything. I can’t take this. I’m so ill right now and I’m crying and I’m practically breaking down and noone notices. So what if this is a scream for help? I’m getting desperate. I just want someone to hold me and say that it’ll be alright, somehow. I want someone to hold my hand and not let go. I’m so sick of all this. I want to leave this country and never come back. I want someone to see me. I pretend and people accept that. They have no fucking idea. Even if they know, they don’t seem to understand. They help a little bit, and without that I wouldn’t be able to manage at all, but it’s not enough. I want to break something because I’m broken myself. Here we go again, I’d like so bad to cut myself now. Because of the panic. But I won’t. I made a promise that I’ll keep for now. You have no idea of how you save me everyday.

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